The Party Ain’t Over Till The Fat Lady Sings

I didn’t remember buying so many alcoholic drinks from Tesco’s. Grandma said that she had gone round the liquor store today, because she thought some people might want a little bit of “Grandma’s Coughing Medicine”. She used her fingers to make inverted comma signs. Grownups have a weird way of talking sometimes. When they don’t want us to understand them they say something completely understandable to everybody but just use inverted commas to make it look like they’re using code while at the same time giving away the whole idea of code language. They should leave these things to the experts: teenagers.
Anyways, here are some of the things that went on last night. Nora – my too-posh-for-words aunt – was caught flirting or maybe even kissing another man, nobody knows the truth about this. Jonesy – her husband, Mum’s brother, my uncle – didn’t give a flying hoop as he was dancing on Grandma’s table and about to do some sort of striptease shouting,’ All the single ladies!’. Needless to say both Nora and Jonesy were both intoxicated. Some of the strangers were playing baseball out on the lawn. I believe they were using light bulbs for balls. One chair was missing a leg at the end of the evening.
I’m not saying what was going on upstairs in the bedroom, but loud noises were heard and different old, and bold men were seen leaving the room with a smile on their faces when I went up to see what all the noise was, one of the old geezers grabbed me by my cheeks, said I was a lovely kid and that everything was okay, then he sent me back down again. Grandma wasn’t seen for over an hour, and suddenly showed up from out of nowhere. She said her legs were sore and had to sit down for a while with a bottle of whisky. I think she passed out at some point, because we found her sitting in the same chair with an empty bottle this afternoon. She said she was a bit sore, but didn’t really understand why. Don’t ask me, I do not know.
Some kids were fighting over some toys. One ended up in the TV-set. Grandma doesn’t know about it yet, because we have turned it around for the time being. Mum said Grandma wouldn’t be using the TV today anyways as she had a major hangover. Other than all that, I guess the party went as planned. I took care of the drinks, Mum was in charge of the food, Dad was … I dunno … but he did look quite content in his chair the whole evening. At about 12.30 a.m. everybody was gone, including us. I don’t know if they all got home and I don’t care. I wonder what Nora and Jonesy remembered this morning. For Jonesy’s sake I hope they’re getting the divorce papers signed tomorrow.
Mum and I had a lot of cleaning up to do today at Grandma’s. As I said, we found Grandma in the same chair with the same bottle – only empty – being sore and having a hangover. We cleaned her up first. The lawn was full of glass. You could literally eat off of the floor. As far as I could see more food had reached the floor than the guest’s stomachs. Some of the food had seen both the guest’s stomachs and the floor. The toilet was a big mess, but I’m not going to go into any details about the excrements artist. Grandma’s bedroom seemed quite okay, except for the bed sheets that had weird stains on it and felt kind of sticky. I didn’t touch them and Mum tried throwing them on the floor immediately but part of it stuck to her hand. She washed it for at least ten minutes with different kinds of soap (her hand, not the sheets). There were more things to be done, but I think you get the picture.
After five hours of cleaning, we decided the house was clean enough for us to leave. We put grandma to bed, closed the door behind us and we’ll probably check up on everything tomorrow. I’m glad her birthday is only once a year. Next year if she forgets about it, we’ll forget about it, too.

See me tomorrow.

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