Dear People In Charge of this here School,
I would like to inform you of some terrible goings-on at your facility. Maybe you have noticed it yourselves already, but, as I was not sure about this, I decided to write you. I am not talking about all the break-ups that have been going on of late. Break-ups are just back in fashion again and – as there are no longer any Valentine’s Day Couples left – the rage has probably passed. This is a more of a serious problem I am talking about and it’s one of a more or less permanent nature.
Chewing gum, dear sirs, that’s what I am talking about. Gum: the detestable rubbery substance that is ruining your furniture, pupil’s hair/clothes and everybody’s health. The sticky stuff is all over the place and not only me peers’ mouths. It is hidden under tables and chairs, it is stuck in little holes, half of the schoolyard is covered in it and it does not look like you are doing anything to get rid of it. If you are, you’re not doing a good job.
It was only yesterday that I, Arthur Didymus (but you can call me ‘sir’) wanted to pull up a chair and instead of feeling the smooth surface of a seat I got hold of somebody else’s freshly pressed chewing gum stuck under it. My fingers were covered in spit, gum and germs, but was I allowed to go and wash my hands? No siree. I had to sit through the lesson and wait till lunch break before I could disinfect my hands. Of course, by then it was already too late. Germs had taken over my body completely. Pray to God that I do not get mono.
As you are probably too busy doing all kinds of important stuff that people in charge do, there is a good chance you will not have had time to deal with ‘minor’ problems like these and problem will not have time soon. Therefore I have come up with a brilliant idea to help you fight this unholy demon. I am giving you this idea for free this time, as I feel we are in this together and together we must make a fist. I assume you are with me on this, as I do not think you are in favour of letting your school go to waste.
First thing we need to do is getting rid of all the chewing gum stuck under chairs tables and what have you. I figure that this is something that you can arrange. Hire some cleaning company and make sure they clean every nook. Then we have to prevent pupils from sticking more gum in places they shouldn’t stick it. Forbidding pupils to chew gum, in my view, will not help. As you may have noticed it has been forbidden to chew gum forever and still the stuff is everywhere. So, what you need is to a Gum Tree. A Gum Tree? Yes, A Gum Tree.
You could turn it into some sort of school project. ‘Plant’ Gum Trees with the pupils. Honour some of the kids by naming trees to the pupils who get to stick the first piece of gum on it. You could even create an entire Chewing Gum Scenery on one of the outer walls of this school of yours. Chewing Gum Clouds, Chewing Gum Sun, Chewing Gum trees and what have you. No more chewing gum in classes, no more chewing gum under chairs, tables or on clothes. Just … picture it. This could well be the first and only chewing-gum-free school in the whole of Britain, maybe even the world. I hope to hear from you soon.
Sir A. Didymus