Unice Was Not Amused

13-04-2014 Sunday
(written on Monday)

It’s amazing how everybody survived this BBQ. That is … nobody has died so far, but I don’t know how everybody’s feeling at this very moment. Some nearly-guests were lucky because they left before they could be called guests, Unice ended up in hospital, and it’s likely that some of the guests had to go there today, too, to get their stomachs pumped. I’ll be needing therapy soon, because I’ve recently been exposed to so many weird parties that I think I’m losing it. Unice’s goldfish might not have survived his trip down the toilet, though it’s hardly likely the fish was alive before even ending up there in the first place. First rule of goldfish, don’t place them next to a hot barbecue. Other than these things, this barbecue was wicked!
Let’s start with some good news. Mr Bent was there and he had brought a lady friend! She’s called Xemene and she was really pretty and had this lovely dark skin and I really loved her accent. She wasn’t born here, but she came here some 20 odd years ago to study and she just never left, because she liked it here so much. Mr Bent met her at the hospital some time ago when he had had his heart attack. She was one of the nurses there. Mr Bent bumped into her the other day at the grocery store and he’s been ‘accidentally’ bumping into her ever since. Mr Bent got to meet Evelyn and I got to meet Mr Bent’s new lady friend. We were both very pleased with that.
Now for the Barbie-cue. Unice had given everybody a handmade personal invitation to her party, which was really neat. The small prints – that not many of us had seen – read that each person attending had to pay a fiver to cover for the expenses of the food and drinks. We totally understand that food is not free and that you’d like to share the costs, but isn’t there a better way than writing this down on the bottom of the back of the card in such a way that even I would need glasses to be able to read it? Unice opened the door and first thing she said was,’ Did you bring the money?’ Now, I’m socially awkward, but I guess that this is not a great way to make friends either. The lucky ones left after Unice’s welcome at the door. In the end there were about fifteen people present. Which would mean a lot of leftover food. Unice was not amused. 
Before yesterday I had absolutely no knowledge of barbecues whatsoever. Today I know exactly what not to do, which is some sort of improvement, isn’t it? For example, I now know (or know now) that lighting a barbecue using lighter fluid might not be the best of ideas. Unice could have lost her eyebrows and her wig. The only reason she didn’t burn her eyebrows was because she didn’t have any in the first place. Luckily her wig fell off of her head when she jumped back as the lighter fluid caught fire and sent a flame high up in the air. I thought it was a planned action and started clapping. Unice was not amused.
Unice had lots of different kinds of meet, and fish, and she had salads, and – especially for Evelyn – she had arranged animal-friendly meat. When Mum and Dad saw how Unice was handling the BBQ and the meet, first thing she said,’ You’d better have a salad kids, and some of that vegetarian food.’ Turned out the meet was really done on the outside, as in burnt, but nearly raw on the inside (don’t ask me how Unice did this, I think she used to be a magician). Some of the guests ate it nonetheless, because they didn’t want to offend Unice and they had paid good money for it. I guess they’re getting their stomachs pumped today. They will not be amused.
All the guests seemed to be enjoying themselves talking to each other, drinking beer and wine, while Unice was sweating like a dancing mule over the BBQ. She wouldn’t allow for anyone to help her. Every time someone offered to help Mr Bent said,’ Help her? It’s no use, love, she’s beyond repair.’ Which made everybody laugh. Unice was not amused.
At the end of the BBQ Unice wanted to get rid of the charcoal. Mr Bent told her to either wait till the morning or grab some oven mitts, but would Unice listen? (This is a rhetorical question; yesterday I learnt that you are not supposed to answer these). She grabbed both the handles of the barbecue and two minutes later we were on our way to the hospital to get Unice’s hands looked at. Unice left the hospital with bandages around both hands. She’ll probably be able to use them (the hands, not the bandages) in two weeks or so. I think you’ll understand why I was deadbeat when I got home after the hospital. I asked Unice if this was going to be an annual event. Unice was not amused.

See me tomorrow. 

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8 thoughts on “Unice Was Not Amused

  1. Anyone that can make a multi-layered tragedy of epic proportions so entertaining definitely must receive the Willy Nilly Seal of Approval! APPROVED! 🙂 And thanks for dropping by and allowing me to visit as well.

    • Dear Willy Nilly,

      Thank you very much for your comment. It put a smile to my face. I really like your name and I hope I’ll be reading some more of you later this week (as it’s holiday, I guess I’ll find the time somewhere).

      Kindest of regards,

      Arthur

  2. Arthur – – this rendition of the BBQ was well worth waiting for. The way you wrote this, I saw it as a one act comedy of errors! Sorry, but you have this way of conveying black humor that works quite well. Anyhow, did people really go to the emergency room because of eating raw meat?? Has anyone checked on Unice today? Was is 1st, 2nd or 3rd degree burns? Shame – – but there could be some symbolism there, doncha think? Either something with Unice “burning her bridges” or else when you tried to applaud for her (you gave her a “hand”) because she was going to need a literal hand later! Count on me to read more into things. I like to do that!! 😉 Just loved the writing style on this post. The events you reported on didn’t hurt, either!!

    • Dear Stephanie,

      They didn’t go to the emergency room for eating raw meat, but I did hear that some people had tummy problems the day after (I’m not going to talk about the details). I believe it was 2nd degree, but I’m not sure as I wasn’t there in the same room. I waited outside with Mum and Dad and Unice was quite upset when she came out and she kept on rambling and ranting. I felt kind of sorry for her. I haven’t checked up on her and I don’t think anybody has, so far. I’ll ask Mum.
      Thank you very much. It’s funny, because I had no idea what black humour was (it’s still a little vague, but I’ll look into it).

      Kindest of regards,

      Arthur

    • Haha, I hadn’t thought of that. Might be a new saying or the start of a new proverb. A nice replacement for ‘when hell freezes over’ – ‘When Unice is amused’.

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