Talking About

22-04-2014 Tuesday

‘On the 3RD day of Easter the things I got to see: three Easter Bunnies, two hands a burning and a drunk Uncle up shit creek.’ Dad smiled when he heard me “sing” it this morning. Mum looked a bit annoyed. I was just singing the truth. Jonesy was drunk the day before Easter and honoured us with a visit. Sunday he went to the hospital to see if his nose was broken; it was. We hadn’t heard from him after he had gone there, then it turned out he had to stay there because they had to reset his nose. Dad said it might teach him to stay off the booze. I kind of doubt it. Sometimes I feel I’m surrounded by alcoholics. At least they are all perfect examples of why I should refrain from drinking.
Talking about drunks: Grandma didn’t bring a live chicken last Sunday. This was a true blessing for everybody. She brought a dead one. The head and feathers were still on it and somehow Dad has a feeling she didn’t buy that at Sainsbury’s. She also brought some Cadbury Creamier than Creamy Eggs and two chocolate Easter bunnies (filled with genuine air). Grandma didn’t get drunk for a change, just a little tipsy. So, she didn’t dance on the table and she kept her nickers on. It was a good day.
Talking about chickens: Unice’s hands seem to be a lot better. They’re still wrapped up in bandages, but not as badly wrapped up as first. Just some small bandages that make her look like a penguin a little. How do I know all this? Well, she went round some places this late afternoon to tell everybody how she was doing. I reckon that nobody had thus far asked after her wellbeing and that she just decided to go round everybody who had attended the ‘party’ to let them know how she was doing. That’s so Unice. Dad wasn’t here to slam the door in her face, so Mum let her in and made her a cup of tea. As Unice was having problems holding onto the cup, she drank it through a straw. It’s quite silly to see a grown up drink tea through a straw. Out of pure solidarity I drank mine through a straw, too. Should I change the smiley face into a penguin?
Talking about Unice (And please don’t tell her this). She’s got something of a little garden in front of her house. There’s absolutely no room for it in our narrow cul-de-sac, but she just removed some tiles, planted some flowers and placed some pots and plants out in front of her door. Though I must say it looks nice, it’s wrong! She’s blocking the road and you’re not allowed to just remove some tiles just like that. Anyways, Cheddar is very pleased with her little garden as the first thing it does when we’re going for a walk is make a beeline to one of the pots and sprinkle the plants. I’m waiting for the day she’s going to come over and complain.
Tomorrow I’m going to see Evelyn, because she is coming over for dinner. I am very happy about this. I do so hope we don’t get any unexpected visitors this time: no Unice, no Grandma, and definitely no drunk Jonesy. Maybe I should make some signs and put them on the door. Like the ones they have in shops when dogs are not allowed in. Don’t think Mum and Dad would allow me to put them up on the door. On the other hand, I’m not so sure about Dad. Mum would go berserk, for sure. Dad might just agree with me. God, I love holidays; so little to do and so much time to do it in. See me tomorrow. 

Pretty Please

Grandma called to see if we knew what had happened to her TV-set. She said there was some sort of plastic dinosaur stuck in the screen. Mum told her that some kids at her party were fighting over who got to play with it and then one of them decided it was better if no one had the dinosaur at all and threw it away. Grandma said something about having no recollection of inviting kids to her party, let alone dinosaurs. She was also wondering why the lights weren’t working anymore and why one of the chairs had a leg missing and where her bed sheets had gone to. That’s when Mum decided to go over and have a talk about the party with Grandma. I was not allowed to come not even if I had wanted it really bad.
When Dad came home and found Mum was gone he decided it was his turn to cook. I begged him, please, and pretty please, and pretty please with cream and a cherry on top, and added some chocolate sprinkles too, just so he would change his mind and not cook but to just go out and get some fish ‘n’ chips, but alas. I know that fish ‘n’ chips is not part of my diet and is actually quite bad for me, but Dad’s cooking would be bad for my taste buds not to mention the fact it would be hazardous to my life and we all know: without life no diet; and man, I loooooove this diet. He started cooking anyways, but gave up when the chicken had burnt and the saltshaker dropped into the boiling water with the potatoes in it (okay, that was my bad). Fish ‘n’ chips it was.
Mum came home at eight. She had had dinner at Grandma’s and she had helped clean up the last bits. Grandma does not seem to remember an awful lot about the party. Nobody, so far, has said anything about a divorce or signing divorce papers. It’s not clear if Nora and Jonesy remember anything at all and what they remember? I would gladly fill in the blanks and spice the story up a little if it would help them make a decision that would be better for everybody. I did offer Mum of providing my services to make this a better world for us and them and told her I was very cheap, but she declined. I think it won’t be wise to call up Jonesy and tell him the story anyways as some sort of . I’ll leave it for the time being. 
Talking about relationships. I know of one relationship that is working out pretty well. Evelyn and I are really serious at the moment, though we still haven’t properly kissed. We are walking around hand in hand, we eat at the same table, and Evelyn said she had eternalized our love in one of the bathroom stalls. School rule amongst pupils is that if it’s written down in a bathroom stall, it’s a fact. Spelling and grammar mistakes are permitted provided that the sentence is still clear to all and sundry. So there you have it. The only problem is telling Mum and Dad about my love life. I have no idea what their reaction would be. Our family has never had to deal with such a situation before. I think I’ll practise my story on Cheddar. I’ll do that … now. See me tomorrow.