So Many Shades Of Nail Polish

20-04-2014 Easter Sunday

This morning I woke up and started my egg hunt … found them in the fridge and broke last year’s record by a second. Mum and Dad are not very creative in hiding the eggs. I boiled my own egg and because I’m such a nice person I boiled one for Mum and Dad, too. To show them how much I really care for them I went up to their bedroom to tell them that I had boiled them an egg. They would have appreciated it more if it hadn’t been four o’clock in the morning. As they weren’t going to eat them I painted them with Mum’s nail polish that I found in the bathroom. She had three different shades of red, four shades of pink, one blue one and something that used to be a hazy shade of orange. After I was done painting the eggs I hid them and went back to bed.
So, maybe the couch is not the safest place to hide soft-boiled eggs, but how was I to know? Everything gets lots under the seats of the couch, between the pillows, under the couch, under the pillows, and there’s a small hole in the back of the couch where Cheddar sometimes hides his bones. When the remote control is missing: couch. Money’s gone: couch. Lost the phone: couch. Naturally I thought that would be a good hiding place, because the most obvious place is always the last place people look. ‘Unice was not amused’, in this case Unice was actually Mum. Not only had I used up all of her ‘expensive red nail polish (she started throwing brands at me, but I thought she was calling me names), both the nail polish and the egg left some lovely stains on the couch. For some reason Dad was in a cheerful mood today.
You know how grandmothers always have these ancient old remedies and recipes for everything and anything? Mum had tried a couple of things to get rid of the stains, but it had only made it worse. Then she said,’ We’ll just wait to Grandma gets here, she’ll know what to do. Grandma came over at one, and she was immediately dragged inside to come and have a look at ‘The Stain’. She looked at the stains very carefully and asked what Mum had already done to get rid of those nasty spots. Mum said what had tried and Grandma shook her head and sighed a lot. Then she asked Mum when it had happened. Mum said at about 7.30 this morning. Grandma looked at the clock and said to get her a glass of wine, a glass of water, a paper towel and a pair of scissors very quickly. So Mum rushed into the kitchen and got everything as fast as she could. She came back into the room with a tray with all the stuff on it. Naturally Mum said,’ What are you going to do?’
Grandma grabbed the glass of wine, poured it down her throat, threw the water into Mums face, handed her the paper towel and said,’ Now sit down and relax, will ya, it’s Easter and we’re going to have fun. If you want to get rid of this stain, here’s how to.’ And she gave Mum the pair of scissors. Apparently it’s not a good idea to remove nail polish from a couch using nail polish remover. Even though it does what it says when there’ nail polish on your nails, but couches are a totally different story. Sometimes I love Grandma’s view on things.
Grandma behaved nicely today. I think she was a bit upset when she heard about Jonesy’s visit yesterday and she’s not been herself since she has heard about the divorce. She made Mum call up Jonesy to ask him how he was doing. Apparently he had gone to the hospital to see if his nose wasn’t broken. When he woke up this morning he found that his nose was a little crooked and it hurt like you would not believe. Up till now we haven’t heard of him, but maybe that’s because he has just forgotten to call us back. Even though there’s a lot more to tell you, I will have to leave you. There’s some liebster award questions that I have to answer and due to my lack of sleep last night and a very tiring day I feel that after the questions it’ll be time to walk the dog one last time and hit the sack. Goodnight and see me tomorrow. 

Swinging Chickens

17-04-2014 Maundy Thursday

Easter is just around the corner and for some strange reason I’ve been seeing chickens everywhere all day. I walk into the living room and Mum’s watching a programme on chickens (please, don’t ask me why). I accidentally turn on the radio when I wanted to listen to a CD and what do I hear (no, not chickens, but close),’Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough’. When I went out to walk Cheddar I bumped into Unice and she was wearing an oversized T-shirt with a picture of a chicken on it that’s putting up a missing poster. The text on the poster said,’ Have you seen these eggs?’ Either Unice has really gone round the bend or she just can’t put on any other clothes because of her burnt hands.
I asked her how she was doing, although I must admit that I tried to get away unnoticed at first and at second I tried to get away noticed but unspoken to … I failed … horribly. Unice didn’t look happy to see me so I tried a joke on her that I picked up from somebody at school. I said,’ Hey, Unice, you dropped your smile.’ Then I reached for the ground and pretended to pick up the ‘smile’ and as I wanted to give it to her, she looked at me and said,’ That’s not mine.’ And she walked away just like that. I guess she was right, it wasn’t hers; hers probably fled the country a long, long time ago.
Talking about fleeing the country, I’d like to get out of here, too. Mum invited Grandma over for Easter. She must be hopping mad. I told her I wasn’t going to dye any eggs again with Grandma, I feel that I’ve outgrown that a little, though some say you’re never too old for these kinds of things. I am sure that one day I’ll have reached a certain age in which things like that will become fun again because they bring back such good memories, but that day has not come yet and probably won’t come for at least another twenty or so years. I’ll settle for some Dairy Eggs this year. Maybe I should call Grandma and tell her to bring some. On the other hand, she messed up my birthday present as well. She’ll probably bring a live chicken.
If she does bring a chicken I am going to perform Kapparot, even though I am not Jewish. For those of you who have never heard of this, it means that I am going to swing this chicken over my head three times. Mind you, don’t swing it once, don’t swing it twice, in order to have them sins transfer to the chicken one has to swing it three times! It has to be a real chicken, though I am not sure whether the chicken has to be a live at the moment of swinging. Afterwards the chicken is slaughtered and donated to the poor. But I think it’s kind of cruel to give poor people my sins for dinner. So I guess we’ll be eating the chicken ourselves.
Anyways, Mum used Grandma as an excuse to decorate the house Easter style, which meant chickens! Chickens everywhere! First thing Dad said when he came home from and saw all those decorations was,’ I can see Darles Chickens has been here. Let me guess, Grandma is coming?’ I told him it wasn’t too late to flee the country. We might even run into Unice’s smile along the way. Dad gave it some serious thought, and he said he would sleep on it. All of this probably means I’m going to be up all night, because Mum and Dad will be having some arguments in the bedroom followed by some loud make up you know what. See me tomorrow (with bags under my eyes, probably).