Everybody Needs A Mr Bent

21-03-2014 Friday

After making tons of sketches I’ve finally made one of Mr Bent that I like. Mr Bent is not the kind of guy who likes to pose for these things and I don’t see him every day, so I had to draw him from memory. After each visit I’d made a new sketch at home. It’s not like I take my drawing utensils over to his place, he’d probably hide in the kitchen if I’d do that. If I were Mr Bent I’d probably do the same. Here’s the sketch. It’s safe to show it here to you, because he doesn’t read these things.


Mr Bent is a man of the world. He has been to places and has seen things beyond my wildest dreams; I really value what he says. Yesterday he told me that Unice could get stuffed. Unice had invited herself over for a cup of tea. She just barged in through the door, sat down on the sofa after having mentioned the big mess he was living in, and then she went on and on and on about her life. When she had finished talking about her life (more or less) she started gossiping about people in the street whom she has only seen maybe once or twice. Mr Bent didn’t know half of the names Unice mentioned and, frankly, he couldn’t be bothered with any of her stories. Who cares if their neighbours are having a fight over whether they should or shouldn’t buy a new car!? Mr Bent did tell me that Unice is spelled without an ‘e’. He said that it was a mistake Unice’s father had made when registering the name or something. Mr Bent said that that was not the only mistake her father had made, but I don’t know what he meant by that.
Actually, I didn’t go to Mr Bent because of Unice – who is moving in this weekend, God be with us – but because I needed his advice on girls again. Well, one girl in particular. The other day Mr Bent told me I should use a condom, which is great advice, but it is a bit premature for that. We haven’t even kissed yet (Evelyn and I, I mean, not Mr Bent and I …. That’d be weird, not to mention illegal.) and that is what I needed advice on: kissing. I told you I had been practising on my hand and with my toothbrush and I nearly broke of part of my tooth. Luckily it was just part of the brush. Mum wouldn’t get me a new one until one week after, because she said it was my own mistake for having chewed on it. When the toothbrush started to scratch the inside of my mouth so bad that it started bleeding, Mum finally decided I could use a new one. Mr Bent’s advice was not to use toothbrushes in the future.
‘Kissing is something you shouldn’t practise on anything else but people. In my case preferably on Evelyn. It might be a bit odd at first and maybe you shouldn’t immediately start French kissing, but just a romantic and passionate English kiss. When? You ask me. The best moment? Well, sometimes you just have to seize the moment yourself. You can wait for a romantic moment, but sometimes the kiss itself creates the moment and the romance all by itself. You’ll forget the world around you, and it just feels like flying. Go with it. Carpe Diem,’ was more or less what Mr Bent said. I think he maybe right. Though I have no idea what he meant with Carpe Diem. Still … where to find the guts to just do it (no, I’m not sponsored)?
Talking about guts. I promised Evelyn and myself to tell Mum and Dad about our relationship tomorrow. Evelyn is going to tell her parents as well. We’re both dead nervous about this. Believe it or not, but we’ve actually talked about this. I know a little more about her now as well. She wants to be a singer in a band one day, but she feels she is too shy. And she told me how much she likes poetry and reading. I think we’re going to be very happy together.

See me tomorrow.

French Kissing In The UK

11-03-2014 Tuesday

There’s been some Internet problems since yesterday, so I was not online very much today. Dad got round to fixing the problem at 22.30 after I had told him for the so manieth time what the problem was last time Internet was down. I don’t know if anyone remembers this, but we had Internet problems before and that was because Cheddar had been messing about with the cables. At least, Mum blamed Cheddar. For some reason I think it’s Mum who’s been ‘accidentally’ pulling some of the plugs while cleaning the house, but we’ll never know because poor ol’ Cheddar can’t talk. Wagging its tale on the other hand …
We have not been spotted as far as I know. I mean Evelyn and I, Arthur. Though I think it is kind of official that we are a couple – even though we haven’t even kissed each other – we are trying our best to lay low for the time being. Some people can be quite annoying when they know you’re a couple. They ask stupid questions, make silly remarks, and say mean things about it behind your back. That’s why we’ll probably spend most of our time holding hands underneath the table and send each other love letters. I will have to work on my sweet talk. Also, I will have to start practising my kisses. Somebody once told me you could practise this on your hand. I tried it after school today standing in front the bathroom mirror. It looked stupid.
As I said yesterday, it’s in the air. Almost the entire school is talking about what happened yesterday between Mr Owen and Mrs Williams. Everybody is wondering what it is they did last night. Stories very from going to the cinema to things that kids my age should not be talking about. Even though I know about these things, does not mean I want to hear about it. Especially when it concerns teachers or parents. I think it’s gross.
For some people it just isn’t in the air. I don’t think it’s in the air for Mr Williams. His wife is having an affair with Mr Owens, the whole school is talking about it, and he might be at home or at work thinking everything is hunky-dory. I feel sorry for Mr Williams and even though it’s an SEP (Somebody Else’s Problem – see Hitchhiker’s Guide for more details on this) I do think somebody should inform him on this and with someone I actually mean Mrs Williams. I’d hate it if he were to hear this through the grapevine. Maybe somebody should talk to Mrs Williams about this. Not me.
Because of those Internet problems it’s already way past my bedtime. I hope to be dreaming a little dream of Evelyn, tonight. When I was brushing my teeth I tried practising a kiss with my toothbrush, but it made me gag and I think part of my tooth broke off. I’m not sure; it could also have been part of the toothbrush. I will check in the morning. See me tomorrow.