Don’t Trust The Books (True Lies)

Tuesday 20-05-2014

After a whole lot of writing, reading, rewriting, rereading, and so on I’ve sent my work to my Dutch friend who is a teacher of English. He’s going to check it for and he’s got an ex-colleague who is also going to read it and he just told me that his ex-mother-in-law is British and also willing to proofread it. I’m on the top of the world (the Carpenters!).
Talking about being on top the world, while I was rereading my work I came across the story of Evelyn who in her first year at this school still believed the world was flat. Which got me thinking a little. Then I started looking it up and turned out there’s even a society called ‘The Flat Earth Society’. They still believe and try to find proof that this world is flat and that it’s some sort of conspiracy of government and the likes to trick us into believing the world is round. This society even has a map of a flat world (round like a record) in which the edges are more or less ice and snow. I found it quite inspiring and so I came up with some lyrics in which a group of people have sailed to the edge. 

Southern Pole of Cold

The world isn’t round
She is flat like a pancake
If you sail towards the edge
You are bound to fall off

The globes and the maps
They are obviously all fake
If you sail towards the end
You are bound to fall off

Bound to fall off

The scientists claim
That they know what they know
But we’re here near the end
And are about to fall off

I think we have found out
There’s a world down below
If we get any closer
We’re bound to fall off 

Bound to fall off 

Here Hell’s frozen over
There’s nothing here but ice
It’s the edge of the world
And we’re bound to fall off

Don’t trust the books now
They are filled with true lies
Behold the end of the world
And we are bound to fall off

Bound to fall off

One day I hope to be able to put some music to my lyrics. I’ve got some ideas, but they’re just not good enough yet. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a famous rock star one day. I won’t forget about you, you’ll be on the guest list and we’ll hang out backstage drinking expensive orange juice and eating expensive sandwiches. See me tomorrow.  

Life’s Peachy And You Know It

13-03-2014 Thursday

Mrs Williams called in sick to day; it must be love. I told you to wear gasmasks the other day, because spring, love and hay fever were in the air. She is now paying the price, that’s what you get from falling in love. Well, in this case I think it might also have something to do with the fact that Mr Williams saw Mrs Williams kiss Mr Owen yesterday. If Mr Williams is a smart man, he’ll divorce her while he can (it rhymes therefore it must be true).
There is so much that has been going on lately and I haven’t had the time to mention everything. So, I’ll just spend one paragraph on each and everything I can come up with that I have forgotten. For instance, I forgot to tell you that it was Grandma’s birthday two days ago. Not that she celebrated it or anything. The silly old tart (Dad’s words, not mine) had forgotten about it herself. Mum called her up in the morning to congratulate her and such and then Grandma acted all surprised. At first she wanted to know whose birthday it was. When she realised it was hers, she wanted to know how old she had become and if she was allowed to vote now. Anyhow, we’re going to celebrate this weekend, if she hasn’t forgotten about it then. Mum said she would remind Grandma of it today and tomorrow just to make sure. If Darwin was right, how come Grandma is still alive!?
Talking about Darwin, survival of the fittest, right? Well, for some reason I am starting to feel a little like Pinocchio; I’m turning into a real boy. I got a lot of new friends on Facebook and on WordPress, I have got a girlfriend, and I am doing the best I can to lead a healthier life and get into shape. The healthier life is working out quite well, but at the rate things are going at the moment I think it might take a year or maybe ten before I am actually as fit as fit. I think I’ll try my first real push-ups (not on my knees anymore, but manly push-ups) somewhere this weekend. Nobody said it was easy.
I told Mr Bent about my relationship with Evelyn this week. Although he was very happy for me he is kind of sceptical about love himself. He nearly got married once himself, but the wedding was called off at more or less the last moment. Mr Bent wasn’t really clear on this or I wasn’t listening very well. After his wedding had been called off he has never been in another relationship again. Even though he hasn’t had a relationship for a long time, he did give me some fatherly advice on love and relationships. Which is more than I can say for Dad whose been married for as long as I know.
Mum and Dad, by the way, don’t know about my relationship yet. I haven’t told them, because, well, they wouldn’t understand. Mum and Dad have been married for so long I wonder if they remember what it was like to be in love and to have to underbelly feelings. Sometimes I wonder if they ever even had those feelings and if their relationship wasn’t just a bet they lost or some sort of business agreement they once made. True, I do hear them at night doing ‘things’, but very often and I never see them touch or kiss each other in real life.
Which brings me to Evelyn herself – this is the best part – Evelyn stole a kiss from me. When I said goodbye to her today and I had nearly let go of her hand she quickly turned her face round and pressed her lips against mine. It felt really good, but it was over before I realised what had happened. She ran off and I was standing there with a million thoughts going through my mind. Let me just linger longer on this love. See me tomorrow.  

Put On Your Gasmasks

10-03-2014 Monday

It’s Monday, spring is in the air as well as love and hay fever. Mrs Hoover wasn’t at school. She was at home struggling with hay-fever symptoms. Somebody told me she was going to see a doctor about it as she had never had hay fever before and they might want to check if it is not some killer flu or anything. For her sake I hope it’s just hay fever, for the sake of my fellow pupils, I’m hoping it’s something worse than that. For my sake I’m hoping it’s something bad enough to keep her down at least till Friday, but not bad enough to kill her, because she still has to give me back my mark for my last test.
I think Mr Owen and Mrs Williams have a severe case of the love. I saw them coming out of the teacher staff room today. Mr Owen grabbed Mrs Williams by the arm (or hand, I’m not sure) and said,’ Tonight?’ as he looked at her in a very weird way. I can’t really explain it that well, but I’ll try my best. Let’s say you were just given your favourite sweet (or biscuit), but you were not allowed to eat it right away. The sweet is within eyesight, it makes your mouth water, you’re all happy about the sweet and you’re thinking about how you are about to devour it completely. Then suddenly it is pushed in your direction and closer to your mouth. The look that you have on your face at that very moment is just the look Mr Owen had. With his lips curling up and wet and all. Mrs Williams responded in a girlish voice with a decisive,’ Tonight.’ and she gave him ‘the wink’. Then she turned round, all blushing, her skirt twirling round her legs as in those romantic films, and a smile on her face that said it all. I felt kind of dirty after this, knowing that she’s been winking at every guy she sees including me. I need a shower.
I’m not going to wash my hand ever again, though, but that is for another reason. As I said, love is in the air and you should either start wearing a gasmask or you’re sure to be infected by it too sooner or later. Evelyn and I held hands today. Though it was not in plain sight. That’s not our style. It was under the table and though it felt as if it lasted forever I guess it was maybe five minutes or something.
During lunchtime I ended up at sitting at the same table as Evelyn. Okay, maybe that wasn’t really a coincidence; we may have done it accidentally on purpose if you know what I mean. Anyhow, we were sitting there, eating our lunch. Mum had packed an apple and some homemade sandwiches with something that I couldn’t identify but looked very healthy. Evelyn on my left and I was on her right. My left arm was just, I don’t know, dangling there, being useless, when I felt the back of Evelyn’s hand touching mine. It was so soft and warm.
First, one of our fingers got hold of each other, then another and another, and before we knew it we were holding hands, just like that. It felt so good holding her hand in mine. I think we were both blushing and I think I could hear her heartbeat going just as fast as mine. We didn’t really dare to look at each other or at anybody else. I don’t think anybody noticed anything except for us. No way Mrs Williams is going to get away with another wink at me. Back off, lady, this man is taken!

See me tomorrow.  

It’s Just A Phase

07-03-2014 Friday

Things are getting a bit awkward with Mrs Williams. When she saw me today she put her hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was feeling better and all. Now, I think it is very nice of people to ask me how I am doing, but I was quite uncomfortable with that hand on my shoulder and her staring at me like that. Like what? Like that? I can’t explain it, but it didn’t look normal. First she gives me ‘the wink’ then she puts her hand on my shoulder, then that look, who knows what’s next. I don’t think I would want to find out. I don’t think I even answered her question.
On a slightly more positive note, I think Evelyn and I are making good progress. Today she slipped me a note during class. I wouldn’t have minded if Evelyn had put her hand on my shoulder. The note was really sweet. It said she had missed me at school and asked me how I was doing. She even drew a nice flower on it. I didn’t dare to send anything back, because I was too afraid Mrs Williams would intercept it and read out loud to the class. That would have been the death of me. Instead I just smiled at Evelyn and nodded a little shyly.


During lunch I told her I was okay and asked her how she was doing. She said she was fine and we sat together at the same table. In silence of course, but at least we sat together. I think I even felt her hand touching mine at one point, but it could as well have been her lunch bag or something, because I wasn’t looking. When I felt it I turned my head round and stared straight into her big dark eyes. My stomach kept spinning round like a washing machine. I might have even turned red a little and I completely forgot to chew and swallow. I must have looked like a hamster. I’m just hoping Evelyn felt the same.
It is not easy for two socially awkward teenagers to have fallen in love with each other and I wonder if this could ever even work out. What would become of our children? They would probably never learn to talk. Maybe we should just adopt. Mum keeps saying,’ It’s just a phase, Arthur. This, too, shall pass.’ She said that about my social awkwardness, she said that about me wanting to go outside more often, and she’d probably say it about having fallen in love with Evelyn. If it’s just a phase, I’d like it to last forever.  

 See me tomorrow. 

When The Lady Smiles

26-02-2014 Wednesday

Why do these things always have to be so difficult? Love things, I mean. Does it always have to be so subtle? I am just not good with reading people’s faces and body gestures. That’s what I realised today when talking on Facebook, ohw, I completely forgot. Before I continue my story on love and Evelyn (inseparable these words are), I will have to tell you about a new Dutch friend I made on Facebook and, please, remind me that I have to write a letter to Grandma to thank her for the Facebook idea. Grandma is completely loopy and a total genius at the same time. And when I am rich and famous I will have to send a bouquet of flowers to my new Dutch friend. One bouquet each week, I think she deserves that.
This girl is great. She makes me laugh and she makes me think about myself. Today I asked her how a boy could tell whether a girl likes him or not. So she starts saying things about looking at the boy a bit longer than is normal, and smiling at him and things like that. I kind of freaked out there, because I have absolutely no idea about body language and how much time does one normally look at a person? Five seconds, ten seconds? Is a minute longer than normal? Besides the looking at people, what about smiles!?
A smile can mean so many things and there is absolutely no logic in it. When does a smile mean ‘I am just smiling because I want to come across as friendly’ and when does it mean ‘Please, ask me to go out with you, because you’re cute’? And when does it mean ‘I farted and I’m trying not let anybody know it was me’? I can’t tell the difference! I just can’t. How the (bleep) do people do that?
And then there’s the other thing she said that really made my armpits wet with sweat,’ Girls want boys to ask them out.’ How cruel is that to guys like me!? How will I know whether a girl would want me to ask her to go out with me? What if she says ‘no’? I don’t think I could take a rejection like that. The entire school will find out and you’ll be the laughing stock of the year. Bullies have a nose for these kinds of things. They don’t know who you are, but they will find you and they will taunt you. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.
Are there books that I could read on body language and facial expressions? I would love to find out which smile means what. Do people practise using those smiles? I don’t remember me ever letting one go and then put on a smile as some sort of decoy. I think I’d sooner say something like,’ Is that popcorn I smell?’ What if your facial muscles are underdeveloped or just not present and you can’t really smile or wink or anything like that? Did God really think this through? Or was this the work of Satan?
All this thinking about Evelyn, and whether she likes me as much as I like her, and is she thinking about me, etc. etc. Hundreds of questions and thoughts are raging through my head like a hurricane. It is pure torture that I do it unto myself. Nobody is making me think the things I am thinking and Evelyn can’t help it, she’s just being herself. It’s my brains. Is there a word for this? How can brains be so stupid to cause itself so much mental agony? It’s like hitting yourself over the head with a hammer repeatedly while saying,’ Stop doing that, it hurts!’ yet you continue to do it. Brains are weird things and I wish I could keep them under control a little bit more than now. I think I should go to sleep; it’s way past my bedtime. I will give all this some more thoughts in the morrow. Good night. See me tomorrow.

Potatoes Every Day

18-02-2014 Tuesday

Evelyn has no idea I sent her that Valentine’s Day card. I am not even sure she read it. I am hopeless. I figured she’d have found out by now. It was dead obvious, wasn’t it? Maybe I should drop her some hints or something. I think I am the only one whose Valentine has no idea about her Valentine. For some reason there seem to be a lot more couples than before last Friday and I am not one of those couples. It probably won’t last that long. It hardly ever does.
At first they are very happy. They look like the perfect couple and friends will say things like how cute they look together and what a perfect match they are. Then after two weeks they discover they have absolutely nothing in common and they break up. Only the happy few stick together for another four weeks. In those four weeks they spend a lot of time laughing at those who broke up after two weeks. They declare never to let such a thing happen to them. Which is practically the only thing they share together and what keeps them together.
And so, after those additional four weeks they break up, fighting even heavier than those who only stuck together for two weeks. Tears flow and cause local floods. Not only did they have nothing in common, they also made each other the false promise to stick together and love each other for a long time, if not, for ever. This usually means they won’t be on speaking terms for a while. Teachers will have to put the broken-up couples apart if they are in the same class, friends they shared will have to watch what they say. Best friends will say nasty things about the exes and after a month or two nobody hardly seems to remember or want to remember. Normality will be restored, or at least a new normality.
I don’t think it is wise to make promises you can’t keep. Most of us are fourteen or fifteen years old, how can we possibly promise to stay with somebody for another 75 odd years if tomorrow we don’t even like the music that we say we love today? 75 years of eating potatoes each and every day does not sound appealing to me. I’d rather just say it like it is,’ Honey, you’re the best. At least till something better comes along.’ It is not very romantic, but closer to the truth than,’ I will always love you.’
Do we really think we will love somebody for ever and always no matter what, or do we say it as some sort of comfort? Or maybe some unrealistically romantic notion of love? Why do we have to say it anyways? Especially after two weeks. That can’t be right. Mum has known me for all my life and she doesn’t say it to me. Maybe that it not such a good example. But who am I? I have never loved before. I have fallen in love, but that is something completely different. Two different things, indeed. You can fall in love without actually loving that person.

Geez, I am being philisophical today. Time to take a rest from all that heavy thinking. Cheddar could use a break, too. And some food. We could definitely do with some food. See me tomorrow.

St Arthur’s Day

11-02-2014 Tuesday

 ‘St. Arthur’s Day’ I think I’d like that.
‘What are you going to do for St. Arthur’s Day?’
‘Oh, I think I’ll do Arthur’s favourite: drink lots of Yumchaa tea, eat chocolate velvet cake, and play some Arthur games. And you?’
‘We’ve already started decorating the house with little Arthur’s and Cheddar’s and there’s a truckload of Chilli Chilli Bang Bang in the kitchen cupboards.’

Yes, I quite like the ring to that. Although I don’t suppose it is going to happen soon, nor will it ever happen, as I have no idea whatever I could do to become a St. let alone getting so famous they’d name a holiday after me. But it’s nice to daydream every now and again and think about all the things I’m never going to get or be.
I guess you’ll understand why I came up with the whole idea of St Arthur’s Day, right? Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Shops are crammed with hearts, and chocolates, and cards, and chocolates, and more chocolates. We’re being lured into the shops to spend a fortune on all those meaningless pre-fab gifts and for what reason?
As for me, I think Valentine’s Day is just for sending a card to the person you really fancy to let her know that he or she has a secret admirer. Unfortunately, nowadays, they’d be calling you a stalker or a creep if you did a thing like that. You hear girls in the corridors whispering to each other about it. My guess is that people used to be more romantic in the olden days. What has become of romance?This year I am going to send my first Valentine’s Day card ever. It’s yet another milestone in the history of Arthur Didymus (this is where you should hear drums beat). You have probably guessed by now that I have kind of, sort of, fallen head over heels for Evelyn. It’s not like I fall in love with every girl that talks to me or looks at me longer than 2 seconds. Far from it, I hardly ever fall in love with anyone. Evelyn is different, she is special and she kind of reminds me of myself, I guess. She hasn’t got a lot of friends either.
We talked again today and you could even call it a real conversation this time. She bumped into me in the corridor, or I bumped into her I dunno, and we both dropped all the stuff we were carrying. While we were picking up all our books, papers, pencils and what have you, we started talking about these little ‘accidents’ we both seem to have a lot. She’s kind of an accident prone, just like me.
After we had picked up all our belongings I am sure she gave me that look. You know, that look girls give you when they kind of, sort of, like you. That certain shy-ish look from underneath her hair. I tried my best to give her more or less the same look, but – as you may remember from an earlier post – my facial expressions have not developed very well. So, maybe I looked a bit like I let one go.
Evelyn’s going to get a card from me this Friday and I am not really sure whether I am going to make the card myself or whether I am going to go to the shop and buy one for her. All those cards look the same and are hardly ever original. I did see some great Valentine’s Cards on 9gag, but not only were they very unromantic, I am also not very sure whether she would appreciate it. Besides, I think it would also give her the wrong idea; as if I was joking with her. I am not, I guarantee it.
If you have any ideas for me about how to go about this, please let me know. I could sure use all the advice I can get. I’m off to help Mum cook. See me tomorrow. 

Mum and Dad

31-01-2014 Saturday


Just like Backstreet I am back. I missed you Thursday and Friday because I was too (nasty word) busy and there were a lot of problems. Mum kept going on about cleaning my room, Dad wanted me to do more homework, the both of them kept on arguing about my upbringing, and all I just wanted to do was crawl away under my blanket, hide and wait for all of the madness to have disappeared. I think the coast is clear now.

How did they ever find each other? Mum and Dad are complete opposites sometimes. I wonder whether they really love each other or that it’s just more convenient sharing a house together than living on their ownsies. Maybe something went missing along the way and they have not been able to find it. As far as love goes, I have not a lot of experience. None, unless you count that one primary school girl that once stole a kiss from me while I was trying to help her get the zipper of her coat up.

Some people say that opposites attract, but I think Mum and Dad just grew apart somewhere along the way and are either too stubborn to admit it or they have grown too accustomed to living like this. Here’s something they do have in common: stubbornness. For my best guess is that they are both just to stubborn to admit to anything actually. Dad never gives up fixing things in the house, even though he is a lousy handyman. Mum always makes Dad fix things in the house, even though she ought to know that Dad is a lousy handyman. And I never dare tell either of them this.

You’ve got to admit, though, that it is some kind of comfort knowing the situation even though you know it’s not an ideal situation. Dad knows everything about Mum and vice versa. They can finish each other sentences, even when they are arguing. Dad knows what Mum will say when something goes wrong and Mum knows how Dad is going to react when she’s spent too much money on useless gadgets again. They never surprise each other anymore.

That might be their greatest comfort, yet, that might also be the one thing that is missing in their entire relationship. Last time Dad came home with some flowers was when he had forgotten completely about their anniversary. You could hardly call them flowers by the way. I think he picked them up at the petrol station on his way home from work. Most likely it was after Mum had called him and furiously started telling him off about forgetting the most important day of his life. My guess is that Mum’s phone call didn’t even surprise that. See, that’s what they’re missing.

Ohw my, they’re at it again. Sorry, I really have to go and hide someplace. The shower is usually a good place to hide when Mum and Dad are at it. They don’t dare enter it when I am in there in the altogether, because they know I am going to freak out. Hey, I am a teenager, I am supposed to freak out when somebody bursts into the bathroom while I am in there. Actually, I am supposed to burst out just any time of day for no particular reason at all. But that’s not the kind of guy I am.

See me tomorrow … if I’m not hiding under a rock.