Drunk But Not Driving

09-04-2014 Wednesday

Boy oh boy, are we in for a treat this weekend. Not only is it Dad’s birthday this Friday, but there’s another great event waiting. Actually it’s an accident waiting to happen, but let’s call it an event. By the by, Dad’s not celebrating. He says he’s seen enough of the family for now and he does not want the agony again. The agony might well be even greater this time as Mum’s brother is in a divorce and they’re fighting over everything. Grandma is drunk most of the time because she can’t really deal with it when she’s sober. If you’d ask me, she’s not handling it pretty well either when she’s drunk.
The other night Grandma called us up at 2 in the morning. I had some troubles sleeping so I rushed to the phone trying to make as little sound as possible hoping to wake up nobody. I nearly broke my neck coming down the stairs in the dark  and stepping into one of Cheddar’s bones. It’s like stepping on a Lego. Man, how I tried my best not to scream. Dad had to work in the morning and he really needs his sleep. When I got to the phone, Mum had beaten me to it. Turned out she was having some troubles sleeping, too. 

Grandma,        ’ Hello, lovely daughter of mine. How is little poopsywoopsy doing?’

Mum,              ’ Mum, you’re drunk. Why are you calling us at this time?’

Grandma,        ’ Can’t a mother call her daughter anymore?’

Mum,              ’ Not at a time like this, mother.’

Grandma,        ‘ So, I guess you’ll not be coming over for tea, then, are you?’

Mum,              ’ It’s two o’clock in the morning! The world’s asleep. Go to bed!’

Grandma,        ’ Ah, that’s why the sun was turned off. I already thought it was strange. Quite strange, don’t you think? The sun not being there. At first I thought it was just another one of them eclipses of some sort. Then after a couple of hours I started to worry, didn’t you start to worry?’

Mum,              ’ Mother, it’s the middle of the night. Some of us have to get up early in the morning. Good night, mother.’

That’s when Mum hung up and said,’ That’s it! If she does this one more time, we’re changing our number and not telling her.’

So, Dad’s not celebrating his birthday this Friday (mind you, he is expecting a present), but we are in for some other sort of treat. Maybe even better than a birthday. This evening Cheddar started barking out of the blue. Then the doorbell rang and guess who was at the door … Unice! (See, dogs do sense evil.) Much like a Jehova’s witness she put her foot ‘tween the door and the post before Dad was able to close it. She’s quite strong for a woman her age. Dad said she’s that strong because she’s had years of practise pushing her way into great many homes without an invitation.
Unice had made personalised invitations to a barbecue party she’s having this Sunday. She invited everybody down the street and only two have cancelled so far. She said it would be the best party this street has ever known and she went on and on about who was coming and how great it was going to be. Mum and Dad were trying their best to keep a straight face. Dad’s really good at this (or I’m just bad at seeing his signs), but Mum can never keep her lips under control. First they start twitching, then it turns into some sort of electric boogie and in the end they’ll be doing the Charleston. Unice didn’t pay attention to it, she just assumed she was being really funny, I guess. She left with a big smile on her face saying,’ So, I’ll see you Sunday, then.’ And no, it wasn’t even a question. I guess if we’re going to go, I’ve got something to look forward to. See me tomorrow.

Party People

15-03-2014 Saturday

Grandma should buy a bigger house. She might just have to because I don’t think much is left standing after last night’s party. Some people might just be heading straight for a divorce and Grandma, if she remembers anything at all, will probably be heading for a nervous breakdown, unless she continues drinking for the rest of her life to calm her nerves and to forget more than she already does. All in all, as a spectator of the events, it was quite amusing up to a certain point, then things got out of hand and I guess the aftermath is about to start. I’ll have to keep it short, because Mum and I are about to go over to Grandma to have a look at the damage and to help clean up the mess.
When we arrived yesterday afternoon nothing was the matter. Mum, Dad, Grandma and I were getting things ready for the guests. First people arrived at four-ish. Slowly but steady more people arrived and I started wondering who they all were and whence they had come. There weren’t enough seats and there weren’t enough parking lots outside and we fell short of party hats, but I don’t think many people thought that was of a big concern. The only things there was plenty of were food and beverages (mostly alcoholic). For some reason people who drink a little don’t mind standing so much anymore. At least up to the point when they are to drunk to stand. In those cases any part of the floor would do just fine.
Mum had prepared soup, sandwiches, and a something that has a French name (I believe it had something to do with horses, but I’m not sure). Everybody was allowed to help themselves and I believe most of it was gone within ten minutes. I wonder if people even tasted what they were eating or whether they were just cramming it down their gullet without biting or chewing on anything. They looked like starving pigs in a sty who had just been given their first meal since weeks.
After dinner it was still mostly ‘beer and skittles’ as Dad remarked. Even though I didn’t know most of the people present they seemed to know each other. While we were in  the kitchen pouring drinks and making new ‘horse-things’ Mum said most of the people present were friends of Grandma’s and she didn’t know them either. As a matter of fact Mum didn’t know Grandma had so many friends. Then Grandma walked in and said to Mum,
’ Did you invite all these people?’
Mum looked a bit puzzled and said,’ Why?’
‘ Who are they!?’
Mum just stared at Grandma for a minute and said,
‘ Really mother? You have no idea who they are and why they are here?’
Sure, sure, it’s my birthday. But I don’t know more than half of the lot. Did you invite them over?’
Mum just shook her head and went on with her business. We didn’t really bother to go into it any further. Up till now we still have no idea where most of those people came from and we don’t think Grandma can tell us. Grandma had so much to drunk, she might even still be drunk when we get there.
I will have to finish this tonight, because Mum is calling me. There’s a lot of cleaning up to do and I guess the insurance company will be hearing from us, too.

See me later.