Everybody Wants To Be Naked And Famous

27-05-2014 Tuesday

This is Arthur speaking to you live from Fort Didymus. The enemy has retreated to her own house and is nowhere to be seen. I think we’ve won this round. We’ll have to see what’s going to happen next. Maybe she’s in there plotting a new attack as I speak. Who knows!? She could be planning a way to overthrow the world and I, Brave Sir Didymus am the only one standing in between her and the world. Okay, me, and Mum, and Dad, and Cheddar
Let me clarify this a little. I told you that I was locked up in my room, because of all the homework and tests we’ve got coming and I do want to pass this year. As I have been quite occupied with WordPress, or rather I was quite occupied with it, I didn’t spend as much time on school as I should have. It’s not that things are going terribly wrong; it’s just that I want to make sure I know stuff so that I don’t get into trouble next year. You know what teachers are like, they are always saying things like,’ Ohw, this is what you studied last year, so let’s not talk about it now and move on to more difficult matters.’ And then those matters require that you know everything you studied the year before.
Being locked up in my room, sitting behind my desk, means that I see everything that Unice does if she has her curtains open – which is hardly ever. Today was one of those days she decided to open the curtains. I have experienced why it is that she keeps the curtains clothes and why I rather see she kept them closed for ever and ever. I think I have found out why she pops her head through the curtains every now and again. It’s not only to see what everybody is doing; it’s to check if nobody’s watching her. I think, after so many weeks, she thought the coast was clear. Unice likes to walk around the house butt-naked!
So there I was, trying my best to concentrate on my maths when all of a sudden I see Unice dance around the house in the altogether holding a feather duster in her hand pretending to clean. It was impossible for me to not look even though it hurt my eyes. I believe she was singing, too. The whole thing ended quite abruptly when she saw me sitting behind my desk with open mouth and big glassy eyes. Never have I seen anybody close curtains so quickly. About ten minutes later I saw her rushing out of her house, staring at me and making a beeline for our door. This meant trouble.
She rang the bell and even the way she rang it you could feel her anger. I have no idea why she should be angry, because I don’t think I did anything wrong here. I was just doing my homework when she put on this show. I heard her scream and shout, and rant and rave, and I believe the whole neighbourhood now knows Unice dances around the house naked. For weeks she’s been trying to keep this a secret, acting all weird with her curtains and all, and in not even one minute she notifies the whole street like this. Mum tried her best to calm Unice down. I opened the door a little bit to see if I could hear anything, but Mum spoke to soft and Unice spoke to fast. After some five or ten minutes Unice walked back to her house, looking over her shoulder and pointing her finger at me. I have no idea what she meant by that, so I pointed back at her. Then she pretended she was coming back and I quickly closed the curtains – I wasn’t as fast as Unice was, though.
Mum came into my room to ask me what had happened. I told her my side of the story and I think she believed me. I have no idea what Unice told Mum. At the end Mum said it might be best to keep my curtains closed or maybe move my desk someplace else. The only problem is, there is no other convenient place for my desk. It’s not like I’ve got a room the size of a planet. I can’t complain, but there’s not much room to move things like beds, desks or cupboards. I decided to keep my curtains closed and to just look through them every fifteen minutes or so. In about a month I will open them, dance around my room naked with an egg whisk in my hand and make sure Unice sees me.

See me tomorrow.  

Nothing Nice About Unice

22-03-2014 Saturday

Our new neighbour is moving in today and I don’t like it and I don’t like her. Yesterday she did the same thing to us as she did to Mr Bent: barging into our house without an invite and just talking for hours on end. First she talked about herself, then about nearly everybody in the street and then she tried to get personal information from us. She hasn’t even moved into her new house in the street and already she knows everybody and everything. How in the world did she do that? Mum and Dad did not want to seem rude so they let her come in and stay for a while. They even offered her tea and biscuits. I would have offered some stuffing had somebody asked me; but I wasn’t asked. I guess they wanted to get on her good side, as they probably don’t want to be part of Unice’s gossips. What would it take for Mum and Dad to understand that everybody is going to end up a character in her gossips? Me thinks that she’s been into all of those houses and was probably offered tea and biscuits by most of the people, yet, here she is telling us all the latest gossips on them. That’s not a way to treat people and if it were up to me, she’d be out her house before she had even gotten the chance to move in there.
I wrote quite a long story this morning because I was nominated for the Liebster Award. I didn’t know if I would have the time to come back and write some more, but luckily I did. As I said yesterday I was going to tell Mum and Dad about Evelyn. All day long I had been thinking of a good way to start. The entire conversation had been going through my head in hundreds of different ways with just as many different outcomes. Also, I was making excuses all the time for not going downstairs to tell them. Most of the times I’d just say to myself that it was not the right time yet. Truth is there’s no right time or place for these things. Best thing is to just blurt it out.
Slowly I walked down the stairs trying not to make a sound for no apparent reason. Looking round the corner to see what they were doing. Dad was watching a film with lots of shooting scenes in it and Mum was reading some sort of magazine. I tried to walk into the room as casual as casual and said,’ Hey, did you hear Arthur’s got this amazing new girlfriend!?’ I just stood there in the middle of the room staring from one parent to the other waiting for some sort of reaction. They were looking at me and at each other in turns and I guess that they were both waiting for the other to say something about this.
Of all the scenes that had been going through my head, this wasn’t one of them. First thing Dad said to Mum,’ You owe me a fiver.’ Followed by a,’ Well, Arthur, as long as you don’t get into trouble and use a condom.’ Mum hushed him and took me to the kitchen for a talk. She made me some tea, took out some biscuits and said we should celebrate this moment a little. Then as we were drinking our tea she started asking all kinds of questions about Evelyn, a lot of which I couldn’t answer. I wrote her an IOU for the answers and she said she’d talk to Dad about this. He’ll get used to the idea. Also, Mum would like to meet her, but I’m not sure about that. I’m kind of relieved and I think it went pretty well. That’s it for today. I have written an awful lot, more than enough. See me tomorrow. 

Everybody Needs A Mr Bent

21-03-2014 Friday

After making tons of sketches I’ve finally made one of Mr Bent that I like. Mr Bent is not the kind of guy who likes to pose for these things and I don’t see him every day, so I had to draw him from memory. After each visit I’d made a new sketch at home. It’s not like I take my drawing utensils over to his place, he’d probably hide in the kitchen if I’d do that. If I were Mr Bent I’d probably do the same. Here’s the sketch. It’s safe to show it here to you, because he doesn’t read these things.


Mr Bent is a man of the world. He has been to places and has seen things beyond my wildest dreams; I really value what he says. Yesterday he told me that Unice could get stuffed. Unice had invited herself over for a cup of tea. She just barged in through the door, sat down on the sofa after having mentioned the big mess he was living in, and then she went on and on and on about her life. When she had finished talking about her life (more or less) she started gossiping about people in the street whom she has only seen maybe once or twice. Mr Bent didn’t know half of the names Unice mentioned and, frankly, he couldn’t be bothered with any of her stories. Who cares if their neighbours are having a fight over whether they should or shouldn’t buy a new car!? Mr Bent did tell me that Unice is spelled without an ‘e’. He said that it was a mistake Unice’s father had made when registering the name or something. Mr Bent said that that was not the only mistake her father had made, but I don’t know what he meant by that.
Actually, I didn’t go to Mr Bent because of Unice – who is moving in this weekend, God be with us – but because I needed his advice on girls again. Well, one girl in particular. The other day Mr Bent told me I should use a condom, which is great advice, but it is a bit premature for that. We haven’t even kissed yet (Evelyn and I, I mean, not Mr Bent and I …. That’d be weird, not to mention illegal.) and that is what I needed advice on: kissing. I told you I had been practising on my hand and with my toothbrush and I nearly broke of part of my tooth. Luckily it was just part of the brush. Mum wouldn’t get me a new one until one week after, because she said it was my own mistake for having chewed on it. When the toothbrush started to scratch the inside of my mouth so bad that it started bleeding, Mum finally decided I could use a new one. Mr Bent’s advice was not to use toothbrushes in the future.
‘Kissing is something you shouldn’t practise on anything else but people. In my case preferably on Evelyn. It might be a bit odd at first and maybe you shouldn’t immediately start French kissing, but just a romantic and passionate English kiss. When? You ask me. The best moment? Well, sometimes you just have to seize the moment yourself. You can wait for a romantic moment, but sometimes the kiss itself creates the moment and the romance all by itself. You’ll forget the world around you, and it just feels like flying. Go with it. Carpe Diem,’ was more or less what Mr Bent said. I think he maybe right. Though I have no idea what he meant with Carpe Diem. Still … where to find the guts to just do it (no, I’m not sponsored)?
Talking about guts. I promised Evelyn and myself to tell Mum and Dad about our relationship tomorrow. Evelyn is going to tell her parents as well. We’re both dead nervous about this. Believe it or not, but we’ve actually talked about this. I know a little more about her now as well. She wants to be a singer in a band one day, but she feels she is too shy. And she told me how much she likes poetry and reading. I think we’re going to be very happy together.

See me tomorrow.